Mitt Romney Finally Enters Race, Vowing to Trump All Candidates

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Sitting atop a majestic white stallion on a grave site sacred to the Paiute Indian Tribe in Cedar City, Utah, 2-time Republican presidential contender Mitt Romney announced that the time had finally come to throw his hat in the ring for the 2016 race for the Republican nomination.

“We stand here on land that is sacred to the so-called ‘Paiute’ nation, a nation that Paiutes clearly put before our great nation of freedom and opportunity, our benevolent and compassionate nation that basically just gave them this reservation for nothing,” Romney said, wearing a trucker hat with Only America Could Be Greater Than the Greatest Nation, Which Is America emblazoned on the front. “Indeed, I wonder if it is really even possible to refer to them as Native ‘Americans.’ You make the call, I guess. But I, for one, do not think we can afford to be wrong on this question.”

Scott Trover, Romney’s campaign manager, told Mormentum that Team Romney had conducted an internal poll in which they found that 47% of potential Republican voters thought Native Americans were “basically like Muslims,” and were unfavorably disposed against them, leading to Romney’s decision to declare his presidential candidacy on land considered sacrosanct to a native tribe.

“No other Republican candidate has even hinted at the potential internal threat that Natives pose,” Trover said. “And did pose for over three hundred years, many, many times longer than Islamic terrorists. President Romney would deal with such threats boldly and unflinchingly.”

Romney is not, of course, a newcomer to the field, having already run for president in two other elections. But this time is different. According to sources within the Romney campaign willing to speak under condition of anonymity, it was Romney himself who saw what must be done to defeat current front-runner Donald Trump, while not hemorrhaging any of Trump’s supporters: he needed to beat Trump at his own game.

“The formula is really pretty simple,” revealed one anonymous Romney volunteer. “Mitt hired a few thousand extra staffers, and most of these are out polling Republican voters all over the country on every issue you can think of. The data is constantly streaming in, and every night Mitt and the managers look at the polls. Then the speechwriters write up something the next day. Truth is, he finds most of it rather distasteful and sometimes even appalling. But the base has proven time and again that they just want to hear a rich white guy say the things they think all the time.”

“So for example, many voters liked what Trump was saying about barring Muslims from entering the country, but still thought it wasn’t going far enough. So, Mitt is leap-frogging past that adorable little idea and demanding that President Obama arrest every single Muslim in the country and put them to work building a 100-foot high wall on the Mexican border. All in one shot Mitt will eclipse Trump on Islamic terror and Mexican immigration, and early pollin on these points has shown his approval rating among Republicans skyrocketing to 94%. It’s a thing of beauty, if a little terrifying, to be honest.”

Following this pattern, in recent days Romney has suggested–and often demanded–what in any other presidential election cycle would have been unequivocally extreme positions, such as mandating copies of the Constitution in every Bible, completely abolishing taxation for the upper 10% of income-earners in order to create 450 million new jobs, eliminating the Bill of Rights except for the 2nd Amendment (stemming from a fascinating argument that all other rights and all of natural law can be shown to derive from this amendment), and country-wide Christian loyalty tests for every citizen to prove that they understand Jesus Christ to be their Lord and Savior. In fact, Romney has promised that, if elected, he will put his conversion from Mormonism to another Christian denomination to a vote, allowing voters to decide which denomination he will affiliate with on whatever Sundays are open while running the country.

The above-quoted source also confirmed that other ideas, such as a televised Hunger Games-like competition for Muslim children and the near total abolishment of all government in exchange for each heterosexual family being recognized as its own sovereign nation with the husband as president and the eldest son as vice-president, have played extremely well in early polling. “There are practical and logistical concerns for all these ideas and programs, of course, but we’ve found that voters are consistently indifferent, even oblivious, to all that. They just want to be told that, like them, someone in power also thinks that all US Muslims should be gathered into permanent internment camps in North Dakota, or that homosexuals should stop fighting God and just marry women so the nation can stop being cursed. Things like that. Donald Trump had the right idea, but he hasn’t really tapped into the full depths of the psyche of what is turning out to be the average Republican voter. We have.”

As for Romney himself, having now discovered how to truly beat Trump, he’s not particularly worried about Trump anymore. “It’s Ted Cruz that I find truly appalling,” he admitted. “That guy is absolutely terrifying.”

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